Pregnancy After a Loss

After experiencing a devastating miscarriage last year, my husband blessed me with a beautiful diamond necklace for our little April diamond baby. Experiencing a loss like this was so unexpected and we have had some struggles in dealing with our grief. We were thrilled when we found out we were pregnant again in March! However, I was surprised to find out that my feelings and emotions during this pregnancy have been so very different from my first one with my son, Fitzgerald. If you’ve had a healthy pregnancy after a loss, can you relate to these feelings?

Pregnancy After Loss

Still Hurting from the Loss

I will always carry my angel baby in my heart, and being pregnant with another baby does not make that go away. I am still healing and even though we had decided to try again, it was hard to have some conflicting feelings. Often I feel others think that I should be all better now, because this pregnancy is going well. But that’s just not the case. I still carry a lot of pain, fear, and anxiety related to the loss. I find myself talking about our angel baby and fitting it into conversation sometimes because I love that baby and I want to remember that baby always.

Feelings of Guilt

We lost our angel baby last September, and the baby would have been born in April 2020. We found out we were pregnant with our rainbow baby in March. I so badly wish that we didn’t lose our angel baby, but it’s weird because I love this baby too and I couldn’t have had them both.

Worries and Anxiety

My first pregnancy was relatively carefree, as far as health concerns go. I was always so excited to go to doctor appointments, hear the heart beat and see the scans. I never worried enough to do kick counts properly and I was generally pretty calm about it. Now that I’m pregnant after experiencing a loss, I find myself having constant anxiety.

I had never heard of a “missed miscarriage” before, and I always thought that as long as I didn’t have bleeding or cramping that everything was fine. Morning sickness is also usually a sign things are going well, but I have had severe morning sickness with all three pregnancies.

This time, I called my doctor with a panic attack around week 8.  I was certain something was wrong because I’m typically sick every day of pregnancy, but I had had a day or two in a row where I felt “too good”. She let me go in for a quick sonogram to find that everything was okay! At almost 20 weeks along, I feel more optimistic but there is still some underlying fear to deal with.

Scared to Connect

We never dreamed I would go through a miscarriage. I gave myself wholeheartedly into the pregnancy last year and completely fell in love with the baby. I had signed up for all of those free new baby gifts online, bought new baby things, and had about four different pregnancy apps I checked every day. We talked to the baby, dreamed about the baby, and made plans for the baby.

With this pregnancy, I was quite scared for awhile to let myself really connect out of fear for what could happen. When I walked into a doctor appointment I would tell myself not to get too excited and there may not be a heartbeat after all. These feelings also led to guilt about not giving the baby the attention that I gave to my other babies. This again just led to conflicting feelings! I am in a better place now and giving this baby all the love and attention she deserves.

How I’m Coping

• Being thankful: I can’t say enough how genuinely thrilled we are about this baby and how thankful we are to have this blessing. God gives me the strength I need every day and He helps me to grow as a mother and be the best mom that I can be for my three little babies!
• Talking to friends and family: While being pregnant after a loss has been different than my other pregnancies, I am so fortunate to have support from family and friends. Talking with them when I’m struggling really helps.
• Self care: Getting enough rest, staying active, going to church, and doing things I love, like reading, playing games and hanging out with friends!

If you have experienced pregnancy after a loss, did you share any of these feelings? Did you have other struggles? I have found that sharing my thoughts with others is one of the best ways that have helped me cope as I mourn my angel baby and prepare for my rainbow baby.

You may also be interested in: Our Gender Reveal!, 25 Weeks Pregnant Update, and 31 Weeks Pregnant Update.